Previously on "United States of Tara"...
Are you sure you want to do this?
I mean, are we sure they're all gone?
Yeah. It's been three months.
I know I'm ready.
Okay.
How about we dump Alice first?
Hello. I'm Alice.
Bonne chance, bitch. Let's do t next.
All right!
No, look, let's just do them all at once.
Let's just get this over with.
Really? Yeah. Let's do it.
I don't want to ride a tricycle.
Oh, my God. It's chicken.
Tara's nickname when we were little kids.
I haven't transitioned in months.
I need the body!
Well, it's mine.
Find a therapist. I found somebody.
I'm shoshana schoenbaum... Tara's new therapist.
Shoshana, w-what are you doing?
Can I please stay here? Live here?
So I can, uh...
"Revirginate" myself.
We've got some big news. We're pregnant!
By the way, I found out the baby's Neil's.
I want my wedding pictures with Nick,
but I want my wedding night with Neil.
- Whatcha doing up there all day? Looking for a new job? - Sort of.
I wanted to be an adult. I settled for a costume.
Done.
Lionel really hearts me. We made out.
You're in love. I feel more like I just came down with food poisoning.
This marriage... Doesn't want to happen.
I'm sorry, char.
You and your sister have a half brother.
His name was Bryce.
Tara, when you told me what was going on,
I didn't want it to be true.
You knew these things that could have helped me,
and you kept them from me?!
Is he alive? Where does he live?
Heard you didn't get married.
You look really, really...
Really pretty.
Thank you.
If you're Tara, I'll be Max.
And if you're buck, I'll be your bike.
When did you become so perfect?
Bryce craine?
Yeah.
Son of Frank craine, born December 1962?
N-no.
Who are you?
They call me "justice."
Wait. Y-you got the wrong guy.
Oh, do I?
You're dead, motherfucker.
* mmmbop, ba doobie-da ba doo-wop *
* ba doobie-da ba doo-wop *
* ba doobie da ba doo *
come on, dig in, everybody!
I got hamburgers, hot dogs,
weird shit that Charmaine brought over.
* doobie-da ba doo-wop *
* ba doobie da ba doo *
Charmaine, I want...
I have got to get this baby out of me!
I want to bury my face in a bowl of bacon,
chug a bottle of vodka, light up a smoke,
and then dive headfirst into a blistering-hot jacuzzi.
Great. But listen, Charmaine...
Can I say something to you two?
I like your thinking.
I do.
Baby or not, you need to take your time.
Baby doesn't need you in a relationship.
I haven't been in a relationship in three months.
Perfectly happy.
My parents should never have been together.
Hey, guys, eat one of these burgers, please?
I still got half a cow in the freezer.
I think I'll go join it.
* mmmbop, ba doo-wop, ba doobie-da ba doo-wop *
hey, Ted, uh, get rid of those for me, would you?
All righty.
Where have you been?
You'll have to ask buck.
You don't remember anything? Nothing.
Oh, I hate when they run off like this.
Yeah, me too.
But I am here now, so what can I do to help?
Okay, I want you to call the cops,
have them bust up this party
so I can have a bunch of sex with my wife, please.
Oh, good!
Everybody, we can start having fun.
The host is here.
Oh, laugh it up, fatty,
'cause in two months, you will never laugh again.
Ha ha.
You know, this is weird.
The last time we were all gathered back here...
Charm...
I was getting married.
Charm, come on. It's not worth it.
I know. I know.
It's just all this shit that mom and dad put us through,
and now... don't. Seriously. It's time to move on.
It's a party. Let's have some fun.
Mama...
Uh, Marshall wants to know if you guys are gonna sing a song.
Are you drinking beer?
Yeah.
But you can't do anything about it,
because I don't live under your roof no more.
But you live under mine, so not until you're 21.
Hmm.
You're a good influence on her.
My urge to sell her for parts has mostly subsided.
Hey.
That's not ass crack.
That's a full-on ass chasm.
Are you getting it?
No. The focus on this thing sucks.
Mom, you are so old-school.
People don't need a college degree anymore.
Oh, that is such bullshit, Kate.
First of all, college is amazing.
I would kill to go back to college.
Well, all I'm saying is that a diploma is just a receipt.
Let's look at Charmaine.
She's owns a house, runs her own business...
doesn't have a degree.
I have a degree.
Well, in a different way, you're making my point.
I'm the one who doesn't have a degree.
It's the biggest regret of my life.
Hey, if you're ever serious about re-enrolling, Tara,
come to me.
I can get you into my school with one call.
Let's just say I know the Dean of admissions...
how should I put this?...
from sex.
Oh! Champagne talking!
Thanks, Ted, but we're all right here.
Hey, wait a second, Max. Let's see what Ted can do.
Well...
You know, 'cause we talked about this, honey.
I know. But it doesn't make me want to go back any less.
He's worried about me.
Well, she does make it interesting.
Charmaine...
Charmaine craine?
Um, boy, we've... we've really had a lot
of ups and downs this past year.
But now that we're embarking on life's most rewarding journey
and... and because I love you
and because...
I can't imagine going through life
without the world's most misleading pictionary artist...
Uh, I wanted to ask...
Um...
Charmaine...
Will you marry me?
I don't think so.
Uh, I mean...No.
I mean...
No. Right?
Yeah. No.
Because...I can't imagine...
Oh, poor Neil.
Marshall, stop watching that.
I want to, mom. I really want to.
But I just keep hoping every time I play it back,
he won't pick up that microphone.
Will you marry me? No!
Son, seriously, turn that thing off
and erase that, would you?
Dad, I can erase the tape,
but...I can never erase the hurt.
And I know it's none of my business, but I think
that it'd be really cool if mom went back to school.
I never liked you.
All right, we're gonna do it again? Let's do it.
You got something to say, say it.
What? You know where I stand.
It's one semester. I'm a few credits short.
What are you so concerned about, that I'm gonna transition?
No, you know that that...
I'm going to transition... I'll transition at school,
or I'll transition here on the couch.
What's the difference?
It's been a tough year.
Things are just starting to get back to normal.
I thought we both could use a little stability around here.
That went out the window the minute we moved in together.
I really think I need to do this, Max.
I don't want to spend my entire life
being "the woman who has d.I.D."
But you know I'm not into everyone's need
to have words for every fucking thing.
"Boyfriend" is just another one of those gross words,
like "vagina" or "love."
I just like calling things what they are.
And... and I like to know what you're thinking.
Just because I don't have some stupid word to call you
doesn't mean you're not important to me.
Hey, check out this camera.
It shoots in hd,
and it's got an I-series zoom and dual inputs.
Oh, I like dual inputs.
Let's buy it.
Uh, and it's $700.
I only have $300, and I had to pull silver dollars
out of a bank that's shaped like a ninja turtle.
We're filmmakers, Marshall.
Painters need brushes. We need this camera.
I'll put in half.
Well, you know what this means, right?
We'll own property together.
And I know you don't like the word, but it is...
A commitment. I know. Yeah.
I'm not...Worried.
I love our little camera baby.
We'll name him Orlando.
Whatcha reading?
Oh, hey.
Um, ksop course catalog.
Ted spoke to that guy in admissions,
says he can work it out, so...
You're really gonna do this?
Yeah.
Congratulations.
I know where buck was Monday...
in salina, doing 95 in a 65, no helmet, no license.
Where'd you find that?
Laundry... checking pockets.
What's in salina?
I don't know.
Well, it's 300 bucks, which wouldn't be a big deal
if I hadn't lost another job today...
country club, my biggest contract.
Aw, shit. What happened?
Fucking orgalawn again.
Reps keep poaching my clients, undercutting my lowest bid
so I can't fucking compete.
It'll be okay.
You know how these things work. It comes in cycles.
Could be a good thing I'm going back to school.
I can get a real job,
start making a contribution to this family.
Great.
Then I got nothing to worry about.
Urban duchess isn't just a company
about making tiaras, Kate.
It's about making every woman feel like a princess.
The website is getting... Moderate traffic.
And I feel like I am teaching women like you
how to be women.
By gluing sequins onto headbands and selling them on etsy?
I've been sending out my résumé.
I think I need to get a real job.
Well, if you get a job, who's gonna take care of me?
I'm fat and my feet hurt,
and I can't fit into the nook next to the fridge
to reach the diet cokes that my doctor thinks I should cut down on.
If you need someone to take care of you,
why don't you just ask n-e-a-I?
That's not how he spells his name.
Look, we are independent women, Kate.
We don't need to be married or engaged...
or owned.
I am gonna raise a baby by myself.
It'll be just us three girls...
me, you, a baby.
It's a revolution.
Hey, what say, ladies?
Whoa! Sexy-nerd alert!
Tara Gregson... student.
Ted got me in. I picked my classes.
Just got to fill out some paperwork, but...
holy fuck. You were serious.
Yeah.
I've got an interview in about an hour
with a psych prof whose class is actually full,
but if he lets me in, color me matriculated.
That is an act of unconditional motherly love.
Thank you for getting you off my back.
Oh, God.
I so wish I had your strength.
Who are you talking about?
The whole abuse thing... you've just pushed through it like nothing happened,
and I'm just... Totally emotionally obstructed.
I'm just blown away by how quickly you've been able to recover
from mom telling us about Bryce.
I mean, I don't know. Do you ever think about him?
Like maybe trying to find him?
No.
Absolutely not.
Okay, I'm gonna go.
Wish me luck!
Go get 'em!
Okay.
Hey, Neil. Hey, Tara.
I have got folic acid,
calcium chews, diet coke.
You didn't have to do that.
But I did, because I care.
Despite my public humiliation.
Oh, and I also got...
Tummy butter and "tart deco" nail Polish,
which I'll be applying because you can't see your toes.
No.
Office hours are not real.
What?!
Hi.
Uh, Dr. hattaras? Yes.
I'm Tara Gregson. Yes.
I was just accepted to the program,
and I saw that your abnormal psychology class is full.
Undergraduate psych classes tend to fill up rather quickly.
The semester has already begun.
Registration started months ago.
If I was a vulgar man, I would say you blew it.
Okay, look.
I am back at school for the first time since the early '90s,
I've had my ass kicked by life,
and I've had more therapy than an ex-altar boy.
I want to learn.
I mean, you couldn't ask for a more willing vessel.
Besides, you know 2 or 3 or 10 of these kids
are bound to drop out by October,
their little brains swollen with coors light.
Me... I will still be there, raising my damn hand
like every other overeager grown-up
who ever wanted a second chance.
Ooh, ooh, ooh!
All right!
So, this is the syllabus.
We will be studying letters such as PTSD, ocd, mpd...
I think it's called "d. I.D." Now.
No, don't do that.
All right, little miss kiss-ass.
The first assignment is due on Wednesday.
Please read chapter 4 of nagel
and choose one of the essay topics on somatization.
Thank you very much. Good day.
Oh. One more thing.
God, what is it? I'm like the bloody giving tree here.
What do you want... apples, shade, a canoe?
I just need you to sign my add slip.
Your essay.
I read it, I like it... I sign it.
Mm-hmm.
And this is what's refreshing about me...
I am the only person that you are gonna meet here today
who isn't lying on her résumé.
What's the point?
Yeah, I didn't go to college. Yeah, I have a g.E.D.
Yeah, I worked at barnabeez on shawnee mission parkway
and had to sue for sexual harassment,
but that was only because my boss was insane.
This is what you get with me...
I am smart. I am dedicated.
I could write about fashion.
I could write the hell out of this magazine.
This isn't a writer's position.
It's administrative.
But I could get there, is what I'm saying.
This is who I am. I'm telling you everything.
You can trust me to do a good job because this is me.
Is this also you?
Ugh.
You know, that lotion you got me was oil-based.
It clogs my pores.
Could you maybe go out and get me the other stuff?
What are you doing?
That's my wedding cake.
Beow!
Neil, do not eat that!
If you eat that, I will fucking lose it!
Mmm!
Neil, do not eat the cake.
What the fuck is wrong with you?!
Why did you save this?
That's a $400 cake!
People save wedding cakes to remember their wedding,
which you didn't have.
I'm commemorating the day I became an independent woman.
Stop that!
- Oh, no. - I'm not eating cake.
I'm eating your bullshit. It's delicious.
What does that mean? What does that mean? Hey, hey.
You know what?
I know we don't live together, okay?
But I buy your groceries
a-a-and I pay your cable bill
and I-I give you emotional support.
So explain to me...
exactly how does this make you an independent fucking woman?
Do you understand the kind of shit I'm going through?
I got knocked up, left at the altar,
and became an abuse victim in one year.
I am not ready for a partner!
Why don't you get that?
You have a partner.
Hey, Tara.
I'm gonna go get drunk with Neil,
do a little bowling so he doesn't feel like such a loser.
Well, have fun.
You doing okay?
Well, it ain't comin' easy.
More like it ain't comin' at all.
You know, I haven't done this in such a long time,
and I am diving right in the deep end.
But I'll figure it out.
You always do.
Go. Get drunk. Have fun.
Fuck!
Why are you so bummed out?
It was one interview
for a fashion magazine in Kansas.
Okay, this is a place
where girls wear k.U. Sweatshirts to prom.
Internet is evil, moosh.
Every stupid thing I've ever done
might as well be tattooed on my fucking head.
Ohh.
If I'd known we were going to barnabeez,
I would have just stayed home.
Everything about this place makes my stomach churn.
Even the deep-fried barna-brats?
Depends. Do you like chewing on a shit-filled condom?
Kate!
Here's the barnabeez lowdown...
anything that says "fresh seafood"
is made from this rubbery, whitefish flap.
In the kitchen,
they have these cookie cutters shaped like a clam
and a crab leg and a shrimp... whatever.
And there's these delicious sprays.
Ugh. It's just nauseating.
Do they serve alcohol here? I need a drink.
Tell me about it.
Aren't you writing that paper tonight, mom?
How's it going?
Honestly? Not great.
I had a few moments today where I thought,
"God, what have I done? What if I can't pull this off?
What if I'm already everything I'm ever gonna be?"
Okay, stop. You can't talk like that, mom.
Because if you've never done anything and you're old,
what does that mean for us?
I mean, am I gonna be sitting here
in this same booth 20 years from now,
bumming out my beautiful daughter and gay son
about all the things I never did?
Kate?
Kate Gregson?
Everyone in the back thought that it was you,
but I didn't think it was possible.
Somebody said you're, like, a spy or something.
Well, I can't really talk about it right now.
Oh.
Hey, somebody sent back this crab leg supreme.
Now, you've got to tell me something about your life.
I won't say a word.
I told you it was her.
I'd recognize you anywhere.
Hey, Kate, I saw this video online
of this girl sitting on a cake...
Mmm.
Oh.
Ow!
Ow! Ow! Jesus.
Ow! Fuck!
Shit.
Oh, Neil. Call me asap.
I felt something.
Ah! It's the baby!
Help! I'm in fucking labor!
Oh! Shit!
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
God, God, God. God, God.
Shit! Shit! Shit!
Fuck! Fuck! Shit!
Ow! Ow, ow!
Ugh!
Ow, ow, ow!
Please!
Help!
Oh, my God.
All right, okay. God!
Hang on. Hang on. Help! Oh, no!
Hang on! I don't want to see that.
Damn!
Jesus, you're on fire. Mnh!
It's a shame to waste it on the one night of the year
when all the super-hot chicks decide to not go bowling.
Son of a bitch!
Way my life's going, it's like I'm Charlie fucking brown.
Yeah? What does that make me?
What am I... am I pig-pen or the, uh...The black one?
I want to know his name, but...Oh, man.
Even if I knew it, I would still call him "the black one."
It's Franklin!
I do not know what to do right now...
all this shit with Tara going back to school.
What shit?
I thought you guys were excited about that.
Well, she is. I'm not.
Look, what I'm about to tell you,
few people know about,
so do not repeat this to anybody.
Yeah, ok... yeah. I get it.
The real reason Tara dropped out of school last time around...
She tried to kill herself.
Yeah, I know that.
What?
Yeah, Charmaine told me.
Is that, like, a big secret or...?
Fuck, yeah!
Fuck.
Well, then what's the problem, though?
Wasn't that, like, 50 years ago?
Well, the big deal is, if things get tough,
I don't want anything to happen to her.
Like what?
Like her trying to hurt herself again.
W-wait. Stop.
You don't want your wife taking a couple of college courses,
and you have no problem
with her putting on a pair of dime-store glasses,
flying all over town on a motorcycle?
I mean, buck has guns. You okay with that?
No, I'm not okay with any of it.
Au contraire, or you would have left her a long time ago.
Hey, let me tell you something that I learned...
thank you.
During all this Charmaine bullshit.
You...Have...No...Control.
I feel responsible.
You're not.
If your wife wants to go back to school,
like it or not, you got to take your hand off the wheel.
I have 11 missed calls?
Good news, mommy. Peanut is fine.
It hasn't even dropped yet. Ohh.
And your cervix is still tight as a drum.
Can you put that in layman's terms, doctor?
But what about the pain? I was totally contracting.
They're Braxton Hicks.
Pre-labor contractions,
which you learned about in your childbirth classes?
Yeah, I did. Made me think.
Just hang out here. I'll check you out.
Okay. Thank you.
- Hey. - Hey.
Y-you're... you're okay? The baby's okay?
Yeah. It was false labor.
Wah, wah.
Thank God.
Um...
Can I have a-a moment with the mother of my child, please?
Sure.
I'm moving in. Neil...
and we're buying some baby books, okay?
I don't want to not be here for this.
Okay?
I mean, this... this is important to me.
And you're important to me.
And I'm important to you, too.
All right. You can have the couch.
I got you some tea and cookies and...
If you need it,
I think I can scrounge up some crank.
Why, thank you, baby.
Hey, I know how badly you want to finish school,
and...I haven't exactly been supportive.
But...
I spent two nights in a hospital room,
like the one we were in tonight, just praying you'd wake up.
And...
Those are memories I'll never forget.
So I'm kind of terrified.
And I know that's irrational,
and...it's not fair to let my shit hold you back.
But that's where I am right now.
I know you got a lot of work to do.
I'm just sick of disappearing
and...
Being the least interesting person inside me.
You're not.
Chicken is.
Come here.
Use me if you need me,
'cause I spell real good-like.
Pbht!
Okay.
Easy there, little lady.
What the fuck was that?
- Don't you worry. - We're here now.
I got your back, missy.
Let's not go starting this nonsense again.
You need some rest. Mommies can't do everything.
I'd say we still have some work to do.
I-I don't want your help. I want to do this by myself.
Mm. You can't.
You need us... now more than ever.
I don't need dick!
Unless it's that guy's.
Back off, girl.
You leave him be.
He's got a lot on his mind. He's very concerned.
What say we get down to what's what
and knock out this paper, yeah?
You type. I'll pontificate.
Somatization, sometimes known as hysteria,
is derived from the Greek word "hyster," meaning "womb."
Historically, these accusations have been leveled at women.
* I want it to be over *
* turn the boat around and bring that girl in *
* I stumble through the error *
* hope deferred makes the heart sick, sick, sick *
* the circle rules and ruins *
* yet again, we are on our own *
* I don't need your opinions *
* what I got is all right *
* ooh, ooh, ooh *
* I know you're bleeding, baby *
* ooh, ooh, ooh *
* but you're not bleeding blood *